Don’t Tell Your Wife that Someone Had to Talk You Out of a Terrible Gift

Wife Lessons Learn from Donkey's mistakes, even if he cant

Lesson 28: It’s The Thought That Counts (Against You)

You may think this post sounds familiar, and it should. Last year I explained that telling your wife about a gift you wanted to get her doesn’t actually count unless you buy it: Lesson 2: It’s Not The Thought That Counts

Well, the lesson was slightly different in a recent experience.

Lesson 28: Don’t tell your wife about the bad gift you almost got her.

As inevitable as it is every December, the time once again neared for my wife to celebrate her birthday. I couldn’t think of anything to get her and was too scared to ask her since she always wants it to be a surprise. I was lamenting about the situation to my coworkers when I suddenly noticed something on my shelf. There, tucked behind some books, was a bouquet of fake flowers. This bouquet was placed in my office as a joke some years back, but I never bothered throwing it away. As I looked at the arrangement of flowers, a light bulb turned on and I realized I had a present to give my wife. I excitedly told my coworkers about the idea, but they weren’t as sold on it. They said something about it being ugly. Whatever. I decided not to give my wife the flowers.

I came home and told my wife about the entire thing and tried to laugh it off. I noticed that she wasn’t laughing. I was then told that telling my wife about bad presents I didn’t buy was worse than good presents that I didn’t buy.

My Suggestion: Just don’t talk to your wife about presents at all. Instead, buy 3-4 possible gifts. Hide them and then provide the gifts one at a time until you feel like you have met your wife’s expectations. You can then return the other gifts that were unused.

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by The Donkey
January 5, 2009

Time Is Running Out To Get Your Wife’s Christmas Presents

From The Donkey

I still haven’t purchased anything for my wife, and I think it’s because I am afraid of getting something I will regret. Here are some of the worst purchases I have ever made:

  • Purple bathrobe complete with a baby chick popping out of an egg on the back (I’ll have to post a photo someday)
  • Index cards
  • Frying pan
  • Re-gifted picture book
  • Sticky notes

I saw a JCPenney commercial recently that highlights the fact that husbands don’t always choose the best presents. Use your last shopping days wisely.

You can also view the video clip here

Happy Hunting… just be careful!

by The Donkey
December 23, 2008

Greeting Card Giveaway

Rewarding Our Readers You deserve it

Season’s Greetings

It’s The Wife here.  I’ve been away too long, leaving The Donkey to blog uncut.  This has resulted in some poor grammar, a few one-sided debates, and a recent post revealing more about me and my milk than anyone ever wanted to know.

I have been attempting to re-surface to the real world for quite some time since our baby’s traumatic birth and subsequent 3-month hospital stay.  Just when the baby is home and doing well, and I think I have life under control, something else will happen–like The Donkey coming down with a Man Cold, or announcing that he is being “forced” to take a week-long business trip (vacation) soon, or asking me if I’ve finished getting everything ready for Christmas yet…

I’ve been so cooped up at home (the new baby can’t be out and about until Spring) that I could have easily missed the fact that the Holidays are even upon us.  Thankfully, I am reminded daily by fun holiday movies, sappy jewelry commercials, and daily email requests for our home address so people can send out their holiday cards.  I’m still working on my thank you cards for the baby, so I haven’t even thought about Christmas cards yet.  Maybe I’ll get something out by Groundhog Day.  Actually, that may be fitting this year, since that’s about how my life feels right now… Wake up, feed baby, go back to sleep, wake up to feed baby, wake kids up, feed kids, feed baby, put kids to naps, feed baby, get kids out of naps, tell kids not to kiss baby too much, feed baby, tell husband not to kiss baby too much, feed family, get kids to bed, feed baby, go to bed, wake up, try to get husband to wake up to feed baby, get up to feed baby…

So, yeah… I’m just not too sure how to fit Christmas cards in this year.  What about you?

Personalized Card Giveaway

To enter: Leave a comment on this post, answering the following questions:

Have you sent out Holiday Cards yet?  Why or Why not?

Prize: 5 lucky winners will receive a $20 gift certificate, redeemable at sugarhouseink.com.  Sugarhouse Ink offers personalized announcements for all of life’s most important occasions… seasonal greetings, thank you notes, birth announcements, wedding announcements, birthday invitations, graduation announcements, milestones, moving announcements, etc…

Contest ends: Wednesday, December 17th, 11 pm Eastern (New York, USA). 5 winners will be drawn at random.

UPDATE: This contest has ended, and comments are now closed.  Congratulations to our winners: Chelsea, Ginkgo100, Jolie, Erika, and Ladybird!

P.S. Apparently The Donkey is a pretty good editor after all.  He just skimmed this post and reminded me to tell you that really things aren’t that bad.  We’re thrilled that the baby is home and healthy!  Thanks for all your well-wishes along the way.  Now… enter the contest!

by The Donkey and The Wife
December 16, 2008

Breast Milk Color Doesn’t Identify What Your Wife Has Eaten

Donkey Dialogue Yes, he actually said that

Milk and Cookies

Scene: The Wife has just pumped milk into some bottles. The Donkey notices the bottles as he is cleaning the pump.

Donkey: Why is your milk green?

Wife: Breast milk always has a bluish tint.

Donkey: What? I never heard of that. Anyway, this is green. Were you sneaking some green-frosted sugar cookies?

Wife: Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t tell what I have eaten by the color of the milk. Besides, I don’t need to sneak cookies. I can eat them whenever I want.

Donkey: When I donate plasma it is different colors depending on what medicine I have taken and what I have eaten. I am going to check the cookie plate.

Wife: Whatever.

by The Donkey and The Wife
December 14, 2008

From The Farm: Memoirs Of A Michigan Country Girl: Entry #2

From The Farm

The Donkey shares some of The Wife’s intimate journal memories and stories from her childhood experiences on a rural Michigan farm. Grammatical errors and farm-talk left in for effect.  (Read the original debate: Down on The Farm?)

April 26

It’s a beautiful day today. Me and Liza-Jane chased frogs up and down the crick. It was great fun. Then we pretended that Sampson was Paul Bunyon and he chased us up and down the crick. Ma got mad because I forgot to churn the butter and it spoilt. I think my birthday is coming up soon. Pa said isn’t until the winter, but I think he’s foolin’. I hope I get one of those hula-hoops so I can stop trying to spin that old bike tire around my waist. It just don’t feel good and it roons my Wranglers. Later tonight we’re gonna have a neighborhood hoedown. I think Ezekiel is gonna be there. I’m fixin to kiss him if he lets me. Ma wouldn’t never allow it, but I say, “Why not?” A country girl ain’t gonna wait forever for love.

by The Donkey
November 14, 2008

He Said She Said: The Wife Can Supply Her Son With Knitting Goods

Poll Results The readers have spoken

Boys Just Wanna Have Fun

Wow, our last Great Debate we had quite a while ago, and we never posted the results. Unfortunately I took another beating. I never thought so many people would support my son in becoming a knitter. I bought him Legos for his birthday, but I may purchase a knitting kit and some My Little Ponies for Christmas based on the results of the vote. I guess people think it is ok for him to get in touch with his feminine side. I have been struggling to make sense of this logic, but I have identified some positive things about having a son who knits:

  • He can always stay inside with grandma and keep her company while the other kids are outside doing uncool stuff like playing football, running around, and chasing girls
  • If his friends ever tear their pants at school, he can swoop right in and mend them
  • Instead of purchasing a truck, video game, or baseball cards for his friends’ birthday parties, he can make them some cute mittens or booties and probably be the talk of the event
  • While other kids are wasting time on sports, he and his mom will be up-to-date on all the latest gossip shows and soaps while they knit family blankets together
  • Parents no longer need to worry about hearing rap or rock blasting in the house. Instead they will enjoy the pleasantries of Kenny G, Wham, Elton John, and on really crazy days, a little Air Supply

I believe that these are just a few of the many factors that helped you decide which way to vote. Congratulations to The Wife on another well deserved victory.

Current Great Debate Standings:
The Donkey: 5
West is Best?
Down on The Farm
Pain in The Hoof
Babysitting Blues
Up in Arms
The Wife:8
R is For Rudy
I Want to Get Away
A Gaseous Explosion from The Inner Crevasse
Just What I Always Wanted
Wrapped Around Her Finger
Dining Out Dillemma
Name Game
Knot For Boys
Draw: 1
Should The Wife Get a Cell Phone?
Read more in: Poll Results
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by The Donkey and The Wife
November 12, 2008

Lesson 27: Shooting Your Wife With A Pellet Gun Is Never A Good Idea

Wife Lessons Learn from Donkey's mistakes, even if he cant

Lesson 27: Buttshot Buckshot Backfire

For some reason I have always loved shooting people with things. When I was 14 I shot a “wasp” at our teacher (wadded up paper flung through the air with a rubber band). When I was 15 I bought a slingshot and shot my brother out of a tree in our backyard. Then when I was 18 I shot my friend in the leg with a blow dart gun. Every time my family plays paintball we get rid of all the extra paint by lining up against a wall and shooting each other until people drop. These are just a few of the many times I have had the opportunity to punish others. I never realized this pattern existed…until last year. Unfortunately it was at my wife’s expense that I had this realization.

Lesson 27: Don’t shoot your wife in the rump with an airsoft pellet gun no matter how much padding you think she has.

My family came out for Christmas several years ago, and my brother brought several airsoft pellet guns. These guns shoot tiny plastic balls with the help of some air pressure. My brothers and I took turns shooting each other for a while until my wife walked in. I’m not sure what came over me, but I saw her wearing jeans that were a size or three too small. It must have been instinct when she shouted, “Don’t you dare shoot me!” At first I agreed not to, but after a few minutes I realized that I just couldn’t resist the target. A minute later my brothers heard a yelp and came running in. They witnessed about 5 minutes of yelling as my wife outlined the pain she felt. I instantly felt bad and agreed to let her shoot me several times.

My suggestion: Don’t own any airsoft pellet guns. The urge may be too much to resist. If you do end up purchasing these guns, shooting your wife, and agreeing to let her shoot you in return, be sure not to wear skin tight jeans like my wife did. Loose fitting sweat pants absorb the initial sting -I literally couldn’t even tell she shot me.

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by The Donkey
November 10, 2008

Would You Fake Your Own Grandmother’s Funeral?

Enquiring Minds want to know... we want to know.

Lights, Camera, Action!

My grandmother recently passed away at a care center. While walking out of the care center, my grandfather stepped off a curb, fell, and shattered his hip. Unfortunately, he was still in the hospital when his wife’s funeral was held. My dad promised to record the whole thing so my grandfather could watch it later. The only problem is that the video didn’t record properly. My grandfather is slightly senile, but he is “with it” just enough to remember that he wants to watch the video when he comes home.

The Proposal

My dad has enlisted my help in staging a funeral and videotaping it. I think this is possible: all we need is an accommodating funeral parlor, creative video work, and a few stand ins. My wife thinks this idea is preposterous.

What do you think?

Is it ok to stage a funeral to provide closure for someone who has lost a loved one?

by The Donkey and The Wife
November 5, 2008

From The Farm: Memoirs Of A Michigan Country Girl: Entry #1

From The Farm

As promised, The Donkey shares some of The Wife’s intimate journal memories and stories from her childhood experiences on a rural Michigan farm. Grammatical errors and farm-talk left in for effect.  (Read the original debate: Down on The Farm?)

June 13

It’s another dang hot day! Ma cooked up some grits for breakfast. The day was uneventful until Pa’s overalls came undone again and fell around his ankles. Jed and Beth-Anne laughed like a couple of stuck pigs. I had to admit that it was funny, but my mind was on somethin’ else. New neighbors just moved in and they have something called a television. I climbed up their tree and watched through their window for hours until it was time to come home. The program wasn’t all that interesting though. It was about this girl who lived on a farm with her Pa, Ma, and two sisters. There was this mean girl named Nellie who bothered her. Why don’t someone just come to our farm and make a program? We’re just as interesting.

The new neighbor boy is cute and named Ezekiel. I think he likes me. I climbed down the tree and we talked for 10 minutes. He even let me drink out of the family well. I think somethin’ special is happening.

by The Donkey
November 3, 2008

Marriage Advice: Does My Wife Need Plastic Surgery?

Need Advice? We're full of it

Here’s where we answer our readers’ questions. Please don’t blame us if our suggestions don’t work for you; you’re the one taking advice from a donkey.

Dr. Nip Tuck My Wife’s 80085

Dear Donkey and Wife: My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. She has had 2 kids and asked if I think she needs plastic surgery. I sort of avoided the question, but I know that she will be asking again and I want to be prepared. What should I say? Thanks guys. - Life in plastic, NOT fantastic!

He says: A little off the top wouldn’t hurt

As George Clooney continually said in O Brother, Where Art Thou?, “We’re in a tight spot!” The female readers out there would tell you to respond, “No, of course not. I love you just the way you are. You are beautiful and always will be.” But the fact that you are asking means that you don’t believe that. I generally don’t agree with having cosmetic surgery, but I can imagine situations where it is needed. That being said…

I say go with a watered down version of what you really think needs to happen. Let’s say you think she needs a face lift, tummy tuck, lipo, and…uh…some ‘enhancements’. You can’t go for the jugular and suggest all of these things. Your wife probably has an idea of what she wants, but it is likely less than what you think. Stick with things that she can’t control. For example, the skin on her stomach is probably stretched out and hanging like an accordion. (I’m giving your wife the benefit of the doubt and assuming that she lost the baby weight.) But she’s had 2 great kids. She can’t help this natural consequence of childbirth. Tell her, “You know, I love you, but I guess there are a few things you could do. Like that flesh on your stomach - let’s snip that off. I mean, you deserve it. I know you wouldn’t have gotten that big if you didn’t have children. Oh, and maybe the doctor could do a face lift while he’s add it. No big deal.”

If this question was nothing more than a test by your wife, then you probably just failed. You could then respond with, “Oh, I thought you were talking about your friend. Never mind.”

She Says (The Donkey responds for the wife since she is too busy): It’s all the husband’s fault

I think you did something wrong since your wife brought this up. You must be like my husband. For shame! Next time she asks, tell her she can go on a month-long vacation while you take time off of work to watch the kids. While at home, clean the house and get everything in order. You better not forget to clean the bathrooms! You should also shower her with compliments and hugs and kisses. Write a tribute poem about her that highlights all the great qualities she has. She needs to know that she is special. Buy flowers every Friday and bring some chocolates - you gotta have chocolates.

That’s it for our suggestions… Any other ideas?

(Do you need advice from The Donkey and The Wife?  Contact us and ask away)

Read more in: Need Advice?
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by The Donkey and The Wife
October 30, 2008
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